Back to Work

Dear Bracken,

What a long week. I had to go back to work this week and leave you with the sitter. I think it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It is really difficult for me to not be in control of life and knowing you spend 8 hours a day with other people, I feel helpless as to what you are doing and your safety is no longer in my hands. This is really difficult for me. I know I am somewhat over protective and probably always will be. You will have to be patient with me, but it is hard to leave you with anyone for that amount of time. I dont want you watching too much tv or other kids holding you when they aren't being supervised or kids touching you with all their kid germs (which they all do the second you walk in that door) or people bugging you when you sleep or you getting sunburned on too long of a walk or you not getting enough attention (I doubt this will be a problem, everyone there absolutely loves you). There is just so much not in my control and so many things that I wish people were more careful with, but who am I to tell them how to live their lives. I am doing my best to ease up and let it be, but it is tough for me.

You seem to be happy there and have had a great week, so I feel great about that, but I still miss you so much and can't wait to see you at 4 each day. It is miserable at work without you and I have been away from you four times more this week then your previous 10 weeks all put together. I'm struggling with this, but I think it will get easier as time goes on and you get bigger and aren't quite as fragile. I hope it gets easier (at least I'm not crying when I leave the sitters like the first two days). I just don't feel like I see you enough and you have been going to bed so early that I don't get any quality time with you. It sucks.

Love you and miss you!

Mom

Memorial Day

Hi Bracken,

Hi honey. Right now you are napping in your swing after quite the weekend. We went to Moab this weekend, your first camping trip. It was quite the adventure. I was worried about you and the 4 hour car ride, but I admit you did pretty darn good. Fussy on and off on the way down there, but not too bad. We set up a huge tent and you had your own little swing nook. You weren't a big fan of the new swing I bought and took, but you slept in it pretty good.

The second day there you were fussy ALL day and way worse than you have been for weeks. That was stressful and you didn't nap all day. We went on a hike and dad took you in our carrier. It was very cute. You did well on the hike too and tried to nap a little.

On Sunday you did much better and was much happier. We went for a few car rides as dad took us around to show us the place and we went for another hike. You were happy all day and did such a good job. When we got back from our hike I took you into our tent and the wind started blowing. Huge gusts, the strongest wind storm I had ever been in. It took lots of tents right out of the ground and blew them around. It blew the top of our tent so hard that it was laying down on top of us. I laid on top of you to cover you from all the dust blowing in. You actually seemed to enjoy the wind and all the noise it was making. Then their was a huge downpour of rain, which you also seemed to like. We decided to come home on Sunday night and you slept the whole way home. You did such a great job! I am so happy when you have good days and are happy yourself!

I want to share one story I'm sure you will hear when you get bigger.WHile on our hike, we took you down to a large swimming hole. I gave you to dad to dip your feet in the water. He took you and the instant your feet touched the water you let out a blood curdling scream. Yeah the water was cold, but you didn't even think about not crying. It was pretty amazing how fast you let out that scream. We all laughed and not because you were crying, but the whole situation was pretty funny. I'm hoping you take to swimming pools better than you took to that swimming hole, because I would love to go swimming with you this summer.

Thanks for being such a precious baby! I love you so much!

Love,

Mom

2 month appointment

Hi Bracken,

Today we went to your two month appointment. You were actually in a good mood. You cried very little on the way there and you don't particularly like car rides and you were gooing to me while we were waiting and its the first time that you didn't cry when then nurse had to listen to your heart and weigh you. Good job bud!

Then comes the doctor. She jokingly said she would give you up for adoption and you started crying. It was actually pretty funny. Then you didn't want to stop. She did your evaluation and we talked (well tried to talk, but hard for me to concentrate when I'm trying to get you to stop crying) about you and how you are doing. She upped your prevacid to a full pill each night instead of half. You still take Axid twice a day and I give you gas drops during every feeding that you don't take other meds. I hate that you have to take so many medicines and I hate that I'm putting all that in your little precious body. I must say you have been better the last week and a half, for the most part, then you have been (besides two really bad days).

I finally calmed you down and then comes the nurse again. She was thre to give you your immunization shots. There were three shots with six different immunizations. Now I know that no kids like shots and I knew you wouldn't but it was so sad to hear you cry again. You were screaming and it was so heart breaking! Then she gave you the oral vaccination and you kept coughing because you were trying to scream and oh it was so sad. I hate to see you cry.

You fell asleep right after and slept most the way home. We got home and I fed you and held you a while then you slept for 3 hours, got up to eat and are back down for another nap. I think the shots are making you sleepy. Poor guy. When you got up to eat your cry was so sad sounding and you sound so miserable.

We are going to get you a G I Tract test to see how the acid reflux is doing and to see if that is the problem and reason why you are so fussy. We will see how that goes Thursday. I hope its not too miserable!

I hope you are feeling ok though and don't hate me too bad for taking you in to get your shots.

Love you,

Mom

Bathtime

Dear Bracken,

You are finally starting to like baths. Maybe just tolerate them. You no longer cry (not even when I wash your hair, which, by the way is falling out and makes me so sad because it is so cute. I am finding hair in your swing and bed. You still have some that is about 3/4 of an inch at the base of your head but the rest is really thin and you are losing more of it everyday!) but you don't fully enjoy it either. I have some tricks. You like to have the room all steamy and it helps if you have your binki. I use two washcloths to cover you and one to wash with. You like this. I hope you grow to like them more as you get bigger.

Love,

Mom

Getting Better!!

Dear Bracken,

Hi sweetheart! You are diong well. We are still spending lots of time together and I love it! You seem to be feeling a little better! You are sleeping so much better during the day. You usually get one really good 3-5 hour nap in and nights (besides last night...in which you got up 7 times!!) have been pretty good. I think this helps with your fussiness. Although you are still fussy on and off all day, you are doing much better! YAY!

I put you in your own bed on Sunday night for the first time. You are 8 weeks old and it is so sad having you in your own room. You are so small in that big crib and I feel like you are so far away from me. You slept well your first night in there but not so great last night. You actually just got up for the day and I am holding you right now. Yes it is 2 in the afternoon! That shows me how rough the night was on you too! You went to bed at 840 and slept til 2. That is crazy, son!! I was starting to miss you and almost woke you up an hour ago so I could play with you, but I decided to let you sleep.

I love you and just wanted to let you know how things were going. Hopefully you are starting to feel lots better with the gas medicine and two acid medicines we have you on!

Love you!

Mom

Grandma Wootton

Dear Bracken,

Hi son. Today has been a sad day. We attended your Great Grandma Wootton's funeral. She passed away on May 2nd from a brain tumor. They just recently discovered that she had this brain tumor and by then it was too late to do anything about it. I am sad that you will grow up not being able to know either of your great grandmas that were around when I got pregnant. They were both such wonderful women and would have loved getting to know you and watch you grow up. You will miss out on two wonderful women in your life now. I know that Great Grandma Wootton would have absolutely loved you. You got to meet her last week, in the hospital, but unfortunately you won't remember her as you get older. Loss is hard and I will always be here for you when we lose what we love because it is good to have a shoulder to cry on. I love you.

Love,

Mom